If I were Empress of the Universe, the following things would be illegal:

* raisin bread [or raisin cookies, or, for that matter, raisins];
* using one’s turn signal to indicate only that one is old and confused, not that one is actually turning;
* public displays of affection that include grinding or other behavior more intimate than kissing;
* vandalism of mailboxes–oh, wait, that one is already illegal;
* sweetened or otherwise flavored iced tea;
* using dog sweaters in the summer [or ever, really, but in the winter it will be only a misdemeanor];
* naming one’s child after a form of precipitation;
* telling stories about things that happened when you were drunk;
* describing cute dog or kid behavior for more than 60 seconds at a time;
* criticizing my parenting unless you actually know my child or me [and yes, saying, “Where are her SHOES?” at a store counts, as does saying, “Oh, take out that silly pacifier!” to my kid];
* getting a dog and then being surprised and upset when it does something you don’t like, such as peeing;
* pink bows on otherwise unobjectionable toddler-girl clothing;
* SpongeBob [in any form–I’ve never seen the show but I don’t like to look at him];
* signing e-mails with “THX” instead of “thanks”;
* using apostrophes in plural words;
* pimples [I assume that if I am Empress of the Universe, I will no longer be required to have them];
* snakes within 100 yards of a house;
* toys that beep or say words or [capital offense] sing songs.

Thank you for your attention to this matter–I am sure that I will become Empress sometime soon and your time studying this list will have been well spent.


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